The Different Classes of Estate Agents
This is an old repost about Estate Agents, inspired after my run-in yesterday with the most horrific estate agent I have ever met!
Sundays are full of show houses. The boyfriend and I spent our Sunday hunting for them. We drove around the areas that we’d like to live in and played ‘Spot the Show board’ (Quite a fun game which you should try if you have nothing better to do).
Now to all those Estate Agents who do blog, I’d really like to apologise in advance if I offend you. I am sure there are some of you who are normal. It’s just that my personal experience dictates otherwise. Estate agents are weird. And scary! I have jotted down some of our experiences yesterday to show you what I mean…
HI, MY NAME IS JOAN AND I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED TO MEET YOU. LIKE, THIS SHOW HOUSE HAS BEEN SO QUIET THAT I NOW WANT TO TALK TO YOU FOR HOURS ON END!
Level of danger: Low-Medium (Depends on desperation levels)
As soon as this estate agent greets you overenthusiastically, run for your life! They have been stuck in some small house with no company and they want someone to speak to. They will tell you about their kids, their dogs, the owner of the property, even the amount of fluff they managed to pick off their cardigans. The visitor’s book will magically appear in your hands.
Escape Tactic: Distract estate agent. Grab remote control/tool of escape. Run to your cars. Don’t be distracted by the agent trying to run after your car. DON’T put your details down in their visitor’s book!!! They will phone you.
YOU LOOK AT A PROPERTY AND IT’S TOO EXPENSIVE. ESTATE AGENT ASKS WHAT PRICE BRACKET YOU ARE LOOKING AT. YOU TELL HER THAT IT’S FINE AND THE PLACE IS TOO EXPENSIVE. YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE. SHE BLOCKS THE DOORWAY. SHE INSISTS YOU LOOK AT THE PROPERTY.
Level of danger: Medium
These estate agents are insistent. They are also deaf. They do not acknowledge that the property is out of your price range. They are desperate to sell the property and will do so at all costs, even if that means forcing you to take a tour.
Escape Tactic: Mention a roast that you have forgotten in the oven. Write down a fake number in the visitor’s book. For safety sake, use a fake name too. These people will find you on Google. Oh…and fake your handwriting. Each estate agent has been trained to reveal your identity by scanning your writing through their databases of visitors books (1900’s onwards).
ESTATE AGENT: THIS QUAINT PROPERTY IS EXTREMELY COSY. US: IT’S BLOODY TINY AND OVERPRICED! ESTATE AGENT: EVERYONE ATTACHES VALUE DIFFERENTLY. THESE OWNERS ATTACHED A LOT OF VALUE TO THIS PROPERTY. US: WELL, WE SEE LITTLE VALUE SO GOODBYE!
Level of danger: Low-High
There are two problems with these estate agents. Firstly, they talk kak and secondly, they talk kak! It is obvious that the property is an extreme rip-off and that nobody will ever buy it. The estate agent will either sound totally unconvincing or deliver a dangerous pitch that actually uses Jedi-mind tricks to sell the property. Be aware at all times. They also use adjectives constantly!!! Stunning views (you are stunned when you see the awful view), cosy size (smaller than Harry Potter’s broom cupboard), exotic garden (the weeds sprouting through the brickwork)…it’s all smoke and mirrors.
Escape Tactic: Use as many adjectives as possible to explain why you are leaving and confuse your way out of there!
HIIIIIIII (charming tone)! WELCOME TO THE SHOWHOUSE (extends arms welcomingly). HERE IS YOUR FREE GIFT FROM US. HAVE A LOOK AROUND AND FEEL RIGHT AT HOME!
Level of danger: High
These estate agents are effortless. As soon as you enter the property, they give you a free calendar, a free pen and as a nice touch, a beaded brooch (I kid you not! We were handed a beaded Zulu love letter-WTF!). They will lure you in with the smell of vanilla, the gentle accent of lighted candles and freshly baked muffins. Do not relax. Before you know it, you’ll have bought the property and allowed the estate agent to retire in luxury.
Escape Tactic: Block your nose. Ignore the candles. Don’t accept any gifts, especially not muffins. They have been laced with drugs and will make you defenseless.
Those are just some of the estate agents we dealt with yesterday. The highlight of the day was when the boyfriend delivered the perfect line:
WOW!!!! This place is pretty…
(see excited estate agent’s face)