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Posted by on Apr 20, 2011 in Blogging, Featured, Illustration, Opinion, Random, WhiteSockGirl | 0 comments

Bitch Blogging 101: How To Get More Readers

I can hear you sigh: “Why the hell would The Bitch think that she might be able to tell us how to get more readers? She has about 1, 2, 3… readers herself.”

Shut up and read on.  Or click out.  Your choice, as always.

I actually did a lot of research way back when I was obsessed about getting readers. I read a million articles about the topic. You think I am lying? Could be. But it felt like a million. And it was such a boring exercise; I actually had sporadic little incidents of brain inflicted orgasms. Makes no sense, I know. But then, those articles made no sense to me.

No, I did not apply the prescriptions in those articles. I have a little thing called A Life. Huge obstacle if you want to be a great blogger.

I remember about seven of those tips. Don’t know why, but I do. It is not like I actually apply them, cause I have no fuckin’ idea how to apply them. Remember I said that I did the research, never said that I actually know how to apply the information I gathered. Anyway, I am going to list the five things that I think I am suppose to do attract readers.

#1 – Learn And Apply Basic SEO

Each and every article I read way back in May 2009 preached that. Apparently if you don’t apply basic SEO to your blog, then your blog is doomed and it will end up in bloggy hell. ‘Cause basic SEO is your beloved blog’s passport to Google heaven. Or hell as in my case.

If Google does not list your blog, it will die. Bloggy doomsday. I am not totally convinced about that. My blog is still on life support. Tough ol thing. Must be the desert living thing I have going on in my life.

What is SEO? An acronym for Search Engine Optimisation. Did I mention that you have just entered acronym hell? Well, you did. There are more of them. SME and SMO. Guess there could be others. I care for just one: YAWN.

I’m certainly not going to write a whole post about SEO aka Step Evil Orphan. Don’t have the expertise. I am sure good ol Google would be able to hook you up with a couple or more articles on the SEO topics. That is if you would brave enough to dwell around in SEO kingdom of boredom. I have no intention to go back there. Not enough alcohol in my house to still the pain of boredom. Strength if you dare.

They, the experts who are preaching SEO, claim that SEO is important if you want to boost your blog’s Google ranking. The higher your blog’s ranking, the more organic traffic your blog will attract.

Please don’t ask me about organic traffic. ‘Cause I am spending enough time trying to inject organic products into my diet. I don’t have the time to organify my blog. Certainly do not have the energy to try and understand what it is all about. Guess my diet lacks the organic factor.

SEO also requires that you pay respects to SME, the Social Media Enlisters. I think that is what that acronym stands for. You can look it up, I am not wandering back into that acronym hell hole.

Readers need to know where to find you. That is why you need to list your blog with the different social media communities.  Blogcatalog is one of them. But there are also Entrecard and Networked Blogs. Twitter and Facebook apparently are also excellent social media tools.  There are many, many others.

No excuse to not be part of some blogging community. You just need to find the one that is right for you. So they say.

#2 – Write Great Content

Not good content. It must be great. Great content is not about having a fabulous witty writing manner and a catchy topic. Oh no. Absolutely not.

Great content is keyword focused and link worthy.You don’t get it? Ah, you were not supposed to. It was supposed to make me sound informed.

Apparently you have to embed certain keywords within your content so that the rulers of the SEO world can pick up on them and feed it to the machine that is Google. I have some keywords. Fabulous and Bitch. Google ain’t liking them much. But who cares? I certainly don’t.

Can you imagine picking three keywords and then building a whole damn post around them? Bloggy boredom hell. But it seems you can. Writing a post like this can get you some good Google juice, sending you some desperately needed Google oxygen.

Because SEO, traffic boost, and some of the dreaded acronyms are the keywords to go with. Yeah, fabulous bitch and cute kids are not among them.

Bitch Fab Tip: My articles about gorgeous men, loaded with pics of gorgeous men, are the ones that make Google salivate the most. So much, it spills over onto my blog. Just mentioning it.

Link worthy? What is that? I don’t know. I thought that my blog was link worthy. But so does every other blogger. Holla at me if you decoded that one. Could be good for a laugh. Or a link.

#3 – Create At Least 4 – 6 Pillar Posts

They, the SEO experts again, say you only need to write 4 – 6 really great posts. Do the SEO thing, embed those vital keyword, make it link worthy, link your post to authoritative sources and Google will love and adore you. Because it is all about Google.

Just thought I mentioned that, again,  reminding you and all that.

Google would send peeps over to your place to read your great pillar posts, and the readers would love it. Stick around on your blog and then click some more, read some more. That is the idea. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Now go write those pillar posts. Just keep in mind, they might click on that one post that you wrote the day that you had that terrible cold, and you wrote about your blocked-up sinuses. Yeah, you felt awful and your post reads awful. The Google provided reader would think: “One trick pony.” And leave. Never to return again. Scared off by your blocked-up sinuses.

Bloggy bad luck? Maybe. But you can avoid that. Just make sure that all your posts are pillar posts.

That is if you have the time. Press that Delete My Life button now.

#4 – Revamp Your Blog To Make It Look ‘Professional’

I’m most probably the most superficial and shallow person alive. I pride myself on that. For me, looks are everything.

Until I get bored. That happens quickly. And then I move on.

Yes, we shallow people do get bored with pretty but empty packages. Sometimes. And then we would need something deeper.

A fabulous looking blog would attract me and great writing would keep me around. But what do they mean with ‘professional’ looking? I certainly do not know. Some peeps have commented that my blog looks really professional, that it ‘has a clean look’. Others say that my blog is way too cluttered.

Some have made a run for it, a run away, at the mere sight of my tag line. I guess “The Fabulous Bitch” does not tank up some professional mileage.

Me no cares.

#5 – Develop Relationships With Other Bloggers & Build A Blogging Community

That is SEO language for “you have to comment on other blogs“. You have heard it before. You know it.

You have to comment on the posts of other bloggers to make them come to your blog. And then you just need to figure out how to keep them there. Is this comment on others thing working? For some bloggers, absolutely.

Sometimes I would land on a blog and find the content of no interest to me, but the writing would be superb. I would stick around, read some more and leave a lame comment like “Excellent post”. And I would really mean it. But it would still be lame. Nobody would be inspired to click through to my blog.

I certainly do the same with what I regard as severely lame comments on my blog. I ignore them. And I delete them.

Thank you for the visit to my blog.” With a link to your blog are the absolute lamest comments. Those are just lame spam. Spam is not good for my digestion system. Just good for the bin.

If bloggers would leave a “Good post“, “Interesting post“, or something like that, I do the Sherlock thing before I follow them back to their blogs. Just to determine the amount of time that they spent on my blog, to determine if they have actually read the post.

You can use an acronym to describe me. I don’t care. Maybe that is why I would read and comment on about 15-20 blogs a day and only get 2-4 comments myself. How lame is that?

Ah, change your topic, and writing style, and make it more appealing to other bloggers“, I hear you say. NO! Never!

Because blogging for me is about the writing. The joy of writing and of expressing myself. My writing expresses me, as a person. If I would change that, I would become a slave, a whore, to the bloggy world. Me no whore. I am easy. I do it for free. No selling out involved.

That is why you should ignore everything I have written, and just ask yourself one simple question: “What do I want from blogging?” Answer that question honestly, and stay true to that.


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